One of the tools I use in my work is Attachment Theory. Attachment Theory looks at how early connections with our parents and primary caregivers influence our relational patterns later in life. Attachment Theory has deep implications for our relationships, friendships, marriages and even our spiritual life.
To get us started, do any of the following statements sound true for you?
- I am self-reliant and I don’t need the help of others very often.
- I seek people and relationships but if they get too close, I tend to pull away.
- I’m afraid that the people I love will leave me.
- I feel like I’m either not enough or too much for other people.
- Relationships are a risk that I’m not willing to take.
- I wish I weren’t so needy, I tend to cling to other people.
- I get anxious if I sense too much distance in my relationships.
- I prefer to be alone than with people, even people who are important to me.
All of these statements are rooted in attachment.
Attachment Overview
Broadly speaking, there are two different categories of Attachment: Secure and Insecure.
Secure Attachment happens when a child has parents or primary caregivers who warmly attend to their needs. If they cry, they are held. If they express a need, the caregivers respond appropriately. These children tend to grow up into adults who feel emotionally stable with relatively healthy relationships.
Insecure Attachment happens when a child’s parents or caregivers are aloof, inattentive, dismissive, inconsistent or abusive. As adults, these children tend to develop relational styles that are less stable, more characterized by extreme independence, isolation, anxiety or volatility.
How does this information affect your life with God?
Spiritual Implications of Attachment Theory
For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in.
Psalm 27:10
Studies have shown that securely-attached children who had caregivers who were warmly attentive to their needs tend to view God more positively in adulthood than insecurely-attached children.
Makes sense, right?
If our parents did not always care for us as they should, we may, through no fault of our own, have a tendency to view God as removed, disapproving, unreliable or angry. This obviously has a lot of implications for our life with God – it can affect how we pray, engage with Jesus and the community of believers we are in.
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Do you find yourself fitting into an attachment category in the table above? Sometimes just being able to put a name to your experience is really helpful! If you find yourself fitting into an insecure attachment style, don’t despair, you’re not alone. A large percentage of the population (almost 50%!) has an insecure attachment style.
The beautiful thing about Attachment Theory is that our attachment style does not have to be a life sentence. Those of us with an Insecure Attachment style from childhood can begin to learn a Secure Attachment style in adulthood which can benefit our friendships, marriages and our spiritual life.
Becoming Securely-Attached
Earned Secure Attachment
So, how do we go about changing our attachment style so that we feel more secure with others and with God? Enter, earned secure attachment.
Just as our attachment style was created through relationships, it is also healed through relationships. Earned secure attachment happens when you have a steady, loving, trustworthy person (or Person) in your life who is a safe home base, bringing you from an insecure attachment style to a secure attachment style.
This person might be a spouse, a friend, therapist or spiritual director. Over time, as you experience the safety of their presence, no matter how much you pull away or fear abandonment, your brain begins to rewire and form new neural pathways for secure attachment. These new neural pathways can profoundly change the way you view and relate to God and others. It is quite literally, a life-changing process.
For anyone who grew up without attentive love from parents who cared for your needs, this process can feel a bit risky so it can be beneficial to begin with a therapist or someone else who is in the business of being a secure base.
Can God be an earned secure attachment figure? Absolutely. I have found that people who have an insecure attachment style due to problems in their childhood tend to view God more negatively so while this is absolutely possible, it might take a little extra work, which I will discuss next.
Experiencing Attachment with the Trinity
God Himself can become your secure base. It is not outside His ability to soften your heart for a safe, loving connection with Himself, where He becomes an earned secure attachment figure in your life. This connection can then inform your ability to become more securely attached to other people in your life.
For this to happen, it often helps to take a long look at your image of God, or how you view God. Afterall, if you mistrust God, how can you also allow Him to be your secure base?
The Trinity can play a crucial role in helping heal your image of God and your attachment to Him.
Let’s say you feel like God the Father is distant and Jesus seems angry in the Gospels but you don’t feel any hesitation with the Holy Spirit – the Spirit can help you see a new side of the Father and Son. Or, if the Holy Spirit feels unpredictable and you’re afraid God doesn’t care much for you, look within to find an abiding brotherly love in Jesus who can lead you into a restorative relationship with the Father and Holy Spirit.
Your connection with one member of the Trinity can guide you into a healing connection with the rest of the Trinity. As this secure base becomes more established, it can positively affect your relationships with friends, family and coworkers as well.
Heavenly Father vs. earthly father
Another helpful way to become more securely attached to God is to examine the ways we project our earthly parents’ attributes onto God.
Even the best of parents are still human. The most loving, attentive, wonderful parents still had moments of overwhelm and distraction – and sometimes those things can leak into how we see God. That’s a normal part of living in a fallen world, but it doesn’t have to end there. When we take note of the differences between the God of the Bible and the God of our skewed perception, powerful changes can take place.
God is not your earthly father. God is nothing like your overwhelmed mother or your disapproving father. Where your caregivers lacked, God is full. Where they were unkind or neglectful, He is good and attentive.
A helpful exercise is to list out the characteristics of your caregivers in childhood and see which ones you assume are true of God as well. Ask God to help you see the difference between Himself and the people who took care of you as a child. Search Scripture for the ways God describes Himself and see just how different that is from your hard-to-please earthly father.
For Futher Exploration
Although difficult at times, examining how we view and attach ourselves to God can be deeply healing. If you’re interested in exploring this more, here are a few questions for you to ponder…
- Does God feel distant or angry? Why do you think that is? Could it be related to circumstances or something you’ve carried since childhood?
- What is your narrative of God? How did that narrative develop?
- Do you notice parallels between your view of God and your primary caregivers?
- Are there aspects of God that you find to be difficult to access?
- Is there a member of the Trinity that you feel least comfortable with? Why do you think that is?
- Is there a member of the Trinity you feel drawn into? Why is that?
- Do you know what your attachment style is? How do you think that plays into your relationship with God?
Whatever you discover in your attachment journey, know that there is no end to the depths of attachment with God. You can never reach the end of His capacity to love you, know you and desire more connection with you. He is safe. In Christ, you are always secure.
