A few years ago new neighbors moved in across the street. From day one, they have not stopped doing home-improvement projects. And I’m not talking about a little paint or updated tile in the bathroom. I’m talking about major projects like installing new gas lines, knocking down walls, ripping out fireplaces, and bulldozing their landscaping (three different times). Every day, a new truck pulls up to deliver appliances or replace the new carpet they just installed.
Their constant updating and nitpicking and redoing is exhausting to watch. The irony is that they perpetually live under sawdust-covered imperfection in their quest for a perfect home.
What the heck do my neighbors have to do with the healing journey? Let’s dive in…
One Word That Changes Everything
If you asked me what the primary catalyst for healing and change is, I wouldn’t tell you about a specific therapeutic framework or strategy. I would utter one simple word: compassion.
Compassion is the most powerful agent of change. I see the greatest transformation in people when they experience a confluence of compassion that flows from three different streams:
1) compassion from God
2) compassion from self
3) compassion from another person
When these streams of compassion sync up, magic happens. Every single one of my clients will tell you that learning how to be more kind towards themselves has been a primary way that healing began to take root in their lives.
Compassion Towards Self
We can’t hate ourselves out of anxiety. We can’t shame the emotions that rise up in us and expect them to go away peacefully. Just like how my neighbors will never achieve the perfect home through constant updates and griping about imperfect tile, we can’t criticize our way into becoming a better person.
Sadly, this is not something that many of us truly understand or live out. For a variety of reasons, we move towards self-cannibalization instead of self-compassion. This perpetuates a cycle of shame and dysfunction that is really hard to come out of.
In the beginning of our work together, many of my clients will tell me that they truly hate something about themselves or their life.
“I hate how critical I am.”
“I have such a pathetic need to be seen and recognized by people.”
“I get so angry at my anxiety, I wish it would just leave me alone.”
“I cannot stand the way shut down when my boss talks to me.”
In Matthew 5:43, Jesus says, “But I say, love your enemies!” Fully heeding Jesus’ words means loving people in the world and loving the enemies within us.
This love will certainly not come naturally at first, but with God’s help, it is more than possible. Over time, the dis-integrated parts within us that we’ve hated for so long finally start to come back together into a whole picture. Integration begins. Healing happens.
Compassion From Another
The most powerful form of memory reconsolidation takes place in the caring presence of another person. When someone extends compassion and kindness towards you in the middle of a shame spiral or self-condemnation, something fundamentally begins to shift at a neurological level in your brain.
Sadly, many of us have more critics in our lives than we do compassionate listeners and this can make it hard to find someone who is safe enough to trust and let into our inner world. Honestly, this is a big part of why therapy is helpful. Beyond any techniques or strategies that a therapist might use to help you, they are also (usually) an empathic listener who truly cares about how you are doing. Their engaged listening and kind responses naturally help facilitate the healing process.
God’s Compassion
Receiving God’s love and compassion is difficult for most people.
All too often we have a view of God that assumes He is fed up or angry with us, and only intends us learn hard lessons from suffering. When our image of God skews negative, it’s almost impossible to actually receive His kindness because we assume it isn’t even there for us in the first place.
Truly experiencing the loving kindness of God goes way beyond our simple cognitive agreement that God is good. It goes beyond our beliefs, beyond our faith, beyond our understanding. It is actually an experience we are invited to have.
“Lord, you do not withhold your compassion from me. Your constant love and truth will always guard me.”
Psalm 40:11
Over time, as we begin to see and experience this great compassion of God, it begins to actually change us from the inside out. We begin to realize that God does not look upon us with disdain, hoping that we will eventually clean up the mess of our lives, but instead offers us a gentle place to sort through the hard things in life and begin to heal within the safety of His presence.
Maybe all of this sounds like total nonsense to you, and if that’s the case, I totally understand. I was there once too. But maybe your resistence is a sign that you haven’t actually ever tried to walk on this path – and it verywell might just be the next step on your healing journey. If any of this stirs curiosity in you, I would encourage you to give compassion a gentle try.
